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Shit, you woke up at , meditated for 30 minutes, reviewed your quarterly and yearly “goals” for another 30 minutes, and slurped on a delicious Soylent shake while checking daily retention trends. Who the fuck thinks of these stupid fucking questions?
You try to make me feel bad because I woke up at 6AM.
That’s always kind of awkward when you’re supposed to be “working”. You’re going to continue reading without telling any of your hot female co-workers? I had some other titles in work for this blog, but they just didn’t capture the essence of what I was trying to say. A “computer” matches you up based on “29 levels of compatibility”, which I’m fine with. Because you’re thinking, wow some super computer down at Eharmony headquarters is crunching vectors and differential equations just to find my perfect mate, and everyday you log in and see new matches, that you think are hand picked from the computer gods above.
I mean, I feel bad if you’re at work right now reading this, and the biggest letters on your screen involve the words FUCK YOU. So after you completed their riddles and questions, you then can start receiving “matches”, hurray!
Also, thank you for taking the time to read this during work. Also if you’d like to take this opportunity to tell your female single co-workers about this blog, and ask them if they want to date me, I wouldn’t be mad. Fuck Eharmony.com, which I couldn’t believe was still available. Now the tricky thing about eharmony is, it takes two to tango.
If that’s the case, please scroll down like 2 inches (that’s what she said) and get those words off your screen. Other titles include: “Dear Eharmony, because of you I’m going to have to reproduce through mitosis” “Dear Eharmony, I just bought the domain name Fuck Eharmony.com, no seriously, I did”| “Dear Eharmony, you took my money, dignity, and self respect, and all I got was this lousy blog” It’s true, I actually did buy the domain name So the purpose, the essence, of this blog, is that my eharmony subscription is ending this month. This is my second stint on eharmony.com, this last stint I signed up for 6 months. At first it’s awesome you have matches sent to you, which you review and if you like you can proceed to step 1, which is you send them multiple choice questions.
You can’t proceed to the next awkward stage of eharmony until the other person responds back.
T-Shirt Hell was launched in 2001 because we wanted to heal the world with laughter.
Do me a favor, put your fucking Mac away and go play with your kids. Please stop celebrating every fucking imaginary milestone with whisky, beer, or pizza and beer. Oh, OK, I’ll come work for you because you have the Glenlivet 17 and not the 15. Fuck your eating disorders, why the fuck does everything have to be so extreme with you? Fuck your standing desk, exercise ball desk, laying desk, and treadmill desk. Let me repeat that -NO ONE CAN FUCKING READ THAT FAST. Fuck your references to Malcolm Gladwell and Dan Ariely, and stop fucking quoting Lean Startup, for Christs sake. Fuck “entrepreneurs” nowadays, seriously- Everybody is a fucking entrepreneur now. Fuck your feature flags and endless variants in your A/B testing.
You’re not Elon Musk- you ain’t Marissa Mayer, you’re not going to get to space, and you won’t build the next Space X. Fuck your open space floor plans- You really think Zucks builds Facebook’s 2017 roadmap while a nerf war is raging outside? Fuck working out of garages and fuck your 2.5 square meters “workspace”. Fuck the transparency trend, the post mortem and the 5 whys. Fuck having a Design sprint in EVERY sprint, pushing to production 100 times a day, using no staging environment and building a micro services architecture.
Either way, it’s clear that Netflix has decided to take matters — and costs — into its own hands, instead of relying on rational policy to create an effective and fair marketplace.
In a perfect storm of corporate greed and broken government, the internet has gone from vibrant center of the new economy to burgeoning tool of economic control.